GASP

Before I get too far, my friend Jenn is currently weathering Hurricane Frances. She's far enough inland the county isn't ordering evacuations, but I'm still checking up on her regular enough. I look forward to your return Monday when the airport opens again!

We as humans are a sexually charged species. Unlike most species, we do this for more than just procreation.

Across the spectrum of color, countries or political and religious affiliation, there are varying practices, interests, methods, etc. etc. So I call for support for GASP. Much like GAAP, the Generally Accepted Accounting Practices, GASP stands for Generally Accepted Sexual Practices and is not actual law, but simply what the name says, generally accepted practices.

What led me to this societal moral? A recent conversation with Jenn about gay rights. Much like how Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) likened gay marriage to beastility, incest and whatever his mind associates gay with, Jenn's mom thought that if gay marriage became law, the right to marry your brother or sister wouldn't be far behind.

For the sake of my argument, I've not looked into whether any laws exist forbidding intrafamily marriage, though I do know that the gay marriage ban amendment did not prohibit it, only same sex marriage. I wonder what this says about the President, Republicans and Texas...

But, I digress.

I would be in complete agreement with the extreme conservatives regarding most things not included in GASP. No incest, no bestiality and no necrophilia (can I get a hell yeah from those in the cemetery!).

Because these forms would be omitted, there would be no brother-sister marriages, no woman-Mr. Ed marriages and no Anna Nicole Smith and the late John D. Rockefeller marriages.

But, you would have Adam and Eve marriages, you would have Sigfried and Roy marriages and you would have Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche marriages.

Why exactly?

Because, I hate to break it to all the prudes, but straight people have anal sex, which thereby opens up gay sex. And what straight man doesn't want to see 2 girls get it on and then join in? So that opens up lesbian sex. Straight people also have men a trois, so the sexual freedom among the gay population, oddly regarded as raunch and sleaze by the extreme conservatives, would be allowed.

Because numbers in sex don't relate to marriage, we don't have to worry about polygamy. And thank a maker, any maker, for that. Marriage to one person is difficult enough.

This would also end a lot of the confusion between countries and continents. For instance, we very prudish Americans could lighten up some and allow male nudity into our R-rated movies. Can I get a hell yeah from the gay men and straight women!

We could also let Janet's tit fall out (thank god it didn't fall off) on TV and let Howard Stern say what he wants to without being fined, fired or fried. Hell, Janet could plaster her tit all over the cover of Elle or GQ or Maxim if we had GASP.

Now the extreme conservatives are wondering why we as Americans have to give in so much. Well, it's because we're ungodly prudish. But, Europe would have to give up some as well. They would have to cut all porn featuring minors or any of that Czech porn with of-age people done up to look like minors. This would also cut into the child prostitution rings of the Philippines and Thailand.

And very thankfully so.

Full implementation of GASP would end silly Constitutional amendments and pointless political and religious debate, but much like GAAP is designed to prevent the regular occurrence of Enron, WorldCom and Tyco.

What we would have is fair, open, honest and knowledgeable sex and sex education, which cannot be a bad thing. So call on your elected officials and make a push for GASP. If anything sexual is going to be a political issues, it should something all-inclusive.