Sobering Night, Personal Post

I have a best friend named Tanitha Kulsiri and she's going to die today.

I believe officially she already is, brain dead I'm told, but I cannot go and see her. I was offered a ride from Philly to the hospital, but already in Trenton and in between trains, it was so far away. I also don't think I could really visit her. I don't know if it would have brought closure or drove me mad from missed opportunities and knowing that she really wasn't there. I do plan on attending the service, that should bring me closure without the dangerous side effects.

Tanitha was in a coma last week from dialysis complications, but pulled through. She woke up as herself, trying to remove the food tube, pushing out visitors and demanding to go home.

She was expected to recover and was going to get a phone call from me berating her for almost leaving me without me getting her a present (inside joke) and saying "goodbye." Other complications followed, and while trying to move her to another hospital she went into cardiac arrest. That was when it ended.

I knew that she had had complications before. She was hospitalized for a little more than month while she was my managing editor at the Temple News.

Tanitha is one of very few friends I have from Temple, and the longest from there. She's 22 and this isn't supposed to happen. We first met over alcohol and parties in Temple Towers Apt. 109E. It led to revelations such as: "I sit behind you in Newswriting I!" From there it was work on the Temple News, more classes and faulty group projects over the summer, into Apt. 409E. Finally culminating as my No. 2 at the News

We'd fallen out of each other's light following my graduation and only kept in contact through IM and on rare face-to-face occasions, because the two of us were working, and she still in school. But every time we talked again, it was as if the time away hadn't happened. We had recently started talking again daily and had planned on meeting. I guess this is how it goes when you put things off and don't seize the opportunity.

I'd missed more than one opportunity with her. I really cared for her and she's one of the few girls I'd wanted to date. Feisty, witty, intelligent and beautiful. Plus she could actually stand being around me. And Tanitha, regardless of what you say, I'm bi, not gay. There's a difference, obviously. It’s been 8 years, I know how it goes.

She'd been my partner in crime at Temple. From skipping classes, to causing havoc for our newspaper adviser and probably a professor or two. There was also the underage drinking, and I still have that shot glass she left at my place, and I never returned; a source of contention through all the years.

There were the regular trips to the Chinese roach coach for dumplings, dinners at the Cheesecake Factory and god help me, trips to Abercrombie.

We also regularly called off outings, something I'm bound to regret, because that was always the beginning of our little falling outs, but that was just how we worked.

Tanitha was a big part of my formative years, personally, that is. At Textile I was a mess, but I started getting my act together at Temple. So much of that involved the News (probably something to lament) and the people I met there (not something to lament) and the few relationships I’ve carried beyond that time.

I talked to a long-lost friend Lauren, photo editor for me at the News and it felt good to talk about this with someone else who knew her. An earlier conversation with a friend didn't help, but I also hadn't yet had the train ride home to process everything.

Early morning discussions with Dev and Jigsha helped close out the day, and I might actually close my eyes tonight before a new day.

A different day.

I lost a friend today and the best I can do for myself is write about it, rather than closing myself off.